Jokes

[Eternal Becky]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you

want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and

calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A

senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The

woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car

and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is

quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving

license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands

it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite
puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't

have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and
hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


MORAL:

Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies

[Eternal Becky]

Subject: Influence of technology

CUSTOMER CARE IN 2020


Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Hello, can I order..."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 40942366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566,from which you are calling right now. And going by the info from your cellular operator, at present, you are in the vicinity of your home. So the order will be delivered to your home."
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash,Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic... "
Customer: "#$$^%&$@$%^"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints]

[Chrissy1993]

lol dats good

[rosiemay05]

Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, "I had the worst Freudian slip the other day."

The other man responds, "What the hell is a Freudian slip?" "You know," says the first man. "It's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about.

Like the other day I was at the airport, and this really sexy lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I asked her for 'two pickets to Tittsburgh." The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the orange juice, but instead I said, 'You ruined my life, bitch!'"

[Jellybean]

lmao! good 1 rosie!!!

[Chrissy1993]

dat iz well funnay

[rosiemay05]

toothpicks one's gotta hurt lol

[Chrissy1993]

please send som more i laughed so much i nearly pissed ma self

[Jellybean]

please send som more i laughed so much i nearly pissed ma self

you should try and find some too.

[Chrissy1993]

im on da strange cosmos site
and it iz funny but not az funny az da tampax!

[OneBun]

Old Age Symptoms:

When your knees buckle but your belt won't.

When your idea of a change of scenery
is looking to the right or left.

When your back goes out more than you do.

When you want to be nostalgic
and you can't remember anything.

When getting "a little action" means
you don't have to take a laxative.

A gorgeous babe catches your fancy and
your pacemaker opens the garage door.

You are cautioned to slow down by
the doctor instead of by the police.

"Getting lucky" means you find your
car in the parking lot.

Your joints are more accurate than the
National Weather Service.

People no longer think you're a hypochondriac.

Your secrets are now safe with your friends because
they can't remember them either.

There are 2 signs of old age.
The 2nd is your loss of memory,
the 1st one I forget.

And finally, your favorite past time becomes playing....

Senior Party Games

Sag, You're it

Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

Kick the bucket

Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over

Simon says something incoherent

Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

Musical recliners

20 questions shouted into your good ear.

[Jellybean]

sorry it's so long!

Jeff Foxworthy on Wisconsin

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38

inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim
by,

you might live in Wisconsin.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each

year because Park Falls is the coldest spot in the nation,

you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy ",
you
might live in Wisconsin.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you
might
live in Wisconsin.

If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Head
Cheese,
you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time ,

you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett, "

you might live in Wisconsin.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in
Wisconsin.

If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Menomonie & Manitowoc ,
you
might live in Wisconsin.

If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear ,

and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters",....you might
live
in Wisconsin.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN:

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on
the
Highway.

2. "Vacation" means going up north past Hwy 8 for the weekend.

3. You measure distance in hours.

4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on Sunday.

7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
without flinching .

8. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including
weddings
and funerals ) .

9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.

10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.

11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend
knows
how to use them.

12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet
Farm
at any given time.

13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow.

15. You refer to the Packers as "we."

16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
construction.

17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.

19. You consider Minneapolis exotic.

20. You know how to polka.

21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your
blue spruce.

22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

23. Down South to you means Illinois.

24. A brat is something you eat.

25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.

26. You go out to fish fry every Friday

27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

28. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

29. You find minus twenty degrees "a little chilly."

[OneBun]

lmao!

Jellybean, That reminds me of the "Great Lake Effect" days of living in upstate NY... same thing except stinking Bills fans instead of cheese heads! lol

[rosiemay05]

here's one for the oldies he he he lol

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/cont....aspx?cid=1753

[rosiemay05]

so the question to ask yourself is: does it all hang low? lmao
i haven't been able to get that tune out of my head for days! lol