The "Let it out" Thread

[SimplyCrazy]

I can't sleep... I don't know exactly why, maybe it's just stress or something.
My last resort when I can't sleep is to take a walk past my father's house, and so I did tonight aswell... I knew he wasn't home, cos my brother told me, so I was a little less nervous of going into the garden and looking around.
It's just wells up so many memories... Memories that should be happy, but aren't at all! It's just so unfair that I had to be pushed out of my home like that. It was MY home! I don't want to live anywhere else, but I can't live there. And I know I should have had my peace with it by now and that there's nothing I can do about it, but I still can't totally settle anywhere else, and it hurts! It hurts when I remember little details I'd forgot, like the paint on the old cupboard or the plates we only used at Christmas.
And every time I go there I just feel like going crazy and throw rocks at his windows and chop down all his precious trees! But in the end I settle with stomping on a few of his flowers before walking away in tears... His garden was always much more important than me...
I know it doesn't sound too bad, but it's my whole life... He ruined my whole life by being the father he was, and I have nothing left!

EDIT:
Big to Funja and Sum! Things aren't easy for any of us, I think...

[Crimsonthread]

Aww, Simply... I'm so sorry. It's very hard to come to be at peace in such hard situations. I was lucky enough to have my parents stay married and happy my whole life, but I know that's not true for so many people. Many of my students come from divorced homes, which is hard enough, but I can't imagine being in your situation. You have every right to be upset about it. Can you talk to your mom about your feelings? You may want to ask her about getting family counciling, with or without him, to help your family deal with the situation. All I can offer is a long distance . If you want to talk, I'm here.

[funja]

that is so sad simply but everyone has to move on at somepoint

[SimplyCrazy]

Thanks, Crim It means alot!

It's just a really dificoult situation... Sometimes I blame myself for sticking with him for so long, some times I blame my mother for the same thing... I just wish we'd seen the sociopathic signs before we did... I've tried going to a psychologist for a while, but for me it's become more of a duty than actual help, so I don't think I'm going to continue...

I don't like talking to my mother anymore... I don't know why, I just feel uncomfortable if I'm near her for too long. Wow, this is the first time I've realized I have problems talking to my mother aswell... And I thought I had a great relationship with her...

And my 'father', (I don't like to call him that... ) is getting married in two days! He's starting a new family AGAIN! He has two ex-wifes and five children, and my older brother is the only one who's still on ok terms with him, tho he's sick of the way he acts too... And his poor wife to be... She has no idea what she's getting herself into!

I seriously feel I have nothing left... Last year I went to school for two weeks in total... I barely have any close friends, and even the ones I have I seem to push away... I don't fully trust anyone! I always go around with 'everybody hates me'-thoughts and think people badmouth me the second I leave a room... As for my life and future.. If I succeed with a singing carreer he's gonna follow me around on all my concerts(I know, cos he did that to my sister who's an opera singer) and take full credit for my success, while if I don't succeed it'll be my mother's fault, like everything else... He can't take responsibility for anything!

And I have all these feelings inside me; Shame because I'm whining about these problems that are nothing compared to Someguy's, hate for my father and myself, anger for letting him still 'own' my life like this, grief over losing the father I never really had and discouraged for after nearly 10 years of anger and depression I still don't allow myself to ever be happy. Is it supposed to be this hard?

EDIT:
Yeh, Nin... I know... It's just really hard

[Crimsonthread]

I don't have time for a long comment, dear--I've got to get up really early tomorrow--but the fact that you feel uncomfortable talking with your mom and are just realizing it is another reason to suggest family counsiling. It may do more for your relationship with her than counsiling alone did for you. Family is very important--even more so than friends--because deep down, there's a stronger connection. I think it's important to salvage whatever relationships you can (that is, with your mom and brother), and try to move on without your father. This is only my opinion, but give it some thought.

[SimplyCrazy]

You're probably right... Thanks for listening

[Jones]

I have a terminal disease...I can tell you that it ain't cancer, but it's really bad. And no, I'm not going to say what it is. I've always wondered why I had to get stuck with it...and I had NO control over it; It just HAPPENED! (by 'it just happend' I mean that it was spontaneous)

[Crimsonthread]

(So much for going to bed... I keep getting caught up in workish stuff)

Oh, Jones... I'm so sorry (and shocked! ) to hear that! There's not a whole lot one can say in this situation, but I have plenty of s if you need them. I completely respect your wish to keep the details private, but feel free to PM me if you need to talk about anything.

[Jones]

Thanks. Most of my beatings are physical, but I get those painful mental beatings too.

[EscapeGirl]

@All...I really, really hope things get better and look up for all of you. I'm more aware of some members' problems than others, but I hope each one of you have someone with whom you can talk and share your thoughts and feelings. Getting things off your chest and out in the open can be very therapeutic. But just know GH is a place full of caring and fun people who love to laugh and have fun - which can sometimes be one of the best distractions from all our problems of the real world - especially those problems we can't change. It's also full of caring, kind and understanding people -many who are willing to lend a shoulder. I hope all of you are able to find some friendships, peace, and fun here. Big hugs to all of you. I know what it's like to be dealing with many (not all) of those things and with so many problems. And it's tough. And I really agree with Crimson's advice as well.

For all of you who need one: Chin up.

[jenni.p123]

Omg! I'm so sorry someguy, funja, Crazy and Jones I hate that people, good people, my friends, have to suffer and go through pain. I know I may not have met you in real life but I still care about you all, as does everyone else. I hope you all feel better really soon. . HUUUUUUUUGE 's

[Elni]

@Simply
I am so sorry theway you've been treated. I can't say that I understand the way you feel, cause I come from a family that supports me whatever I do. We have the ups and downs but 98% are ups. I only heard about those kind of behaviour that happened to you. If you feel you want to scream, do it. If you feel you want to break thing do it as well (at least that makes me feel better). You don't deserve that kind of behaviour. A man that doesnot respect his own children doesnot deserve to be loved. I know it is harsh but I don't like people where they love things more than their own family.

My dearest Simply The only advice I can say is try to forget the past. Try to forget whatever happened in that house. Start your life from 0 and whenever the memories come back, put the headphones and listen to music really laud. It chace the pain away for a while. I really wich I could do more. The only thing I can promise to you (as well to everyone else of my friends in here) whenever you come to Greece I promise a heck of great holidays For the time been is the only that I can offer

@Jones

I am SO sorry of what you are going through . I know the feeling, I know the pain. There are no words that can make you feel better, and I wish I could make you feel better. We are all here for any help we can give. You know that your friends in here are never going to leave you alone

[someguy]

Funja-
When I decided to listen to the whole song you gave me, even though it was eminem,
I cried.
I cried a lot. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I guess that's all I really needed. I feel much better, and happier, now.
Thanks funja. To me, you are a true friend. And I respect that.

[ShiningStar]

Simply: i'm so sorry to hear about your family, I really hope that things will get better for you! Just try to not look at the bad things that have happen to you in the past and try to look at the good things. Try to keep looking forward and to not let people bring you down! Just try to work things out with your family, even if that doesn't mean including your father, Things will work out in the end for you, and just remember that there are a lot of people here that you can talk to that care!


Jones: i'm so sorry for what your going through! I just hope that in the end things work out better for you!

[Ryuzaki]

........jones i feel so bad for you i mean knowing that must suck but if you need help just remember that GH is here for you and garenteed that someone will care for you.