Jokes

[rosiemay05]

Seeing as i love to laugh (it really is the best medicine!), i thought we could use a joke section on Gamershood. So please post anything you think will make everyone laugh! Whether it's a rude joke, knock knock, anything!
Ok i got one....

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room when he says to her:
'Just so you know , I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, pull the plug.'
His wife nods understandingly , then promptly gets up, unplugs the TV and throws out all his beer.

[OneBun]

Here are a couple of things to say and do to freak out the person in the stall next to you in a public rest room:

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''
19. Blast a loud one and say with a Stevie Erkle voice, "Did I do that?"
20. "OMG! Now I'm stuck!"
Lol... hope ya enjoyed my sick humor!

____________________


rosiemay05,
Thanx for starting a great thread!
You're sick babe. (jk) But I guess I should'nt talk! I am just as bad! lol!

[rosiemay05]

that was great onebun, particularly like 3, 6, 9, 16, and defineltly 18 lmao

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, "Where do you live?".
Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, "Hello, I've brought your husband home."
The wife looks at the man and asks, "Where's his wheel chair?"

yes u r just as bad hunny bunny if not worse lol

[Jellybean]

CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch hiney should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

[OneBun]

Jellybean you crack me up!

CHINESE PROVERBS...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch hiney should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*...

I heard this one a little different before...it goes:

He who go to sleep w/ itchy hiney wake up with stinky finger!

lol... just as bad huh!

[rosiemay05]

lol i like the last one with the midget lol

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. --Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10

i love how kids are so honest about things lol

[marcoo]

Jokes

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

[OneBun]

Bill Gates Dies:

Bill Gates dies and finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in most homes around the world, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

"That was the demo," replied St. Peter.

[omfg]

lol

Bill Gates dies and finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in most homes around the world, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

"That was the demo," replied St. Peter.

LOL!!!!!!! HAHA, Poor Bill

[rosiemay05]

Unfortunate News

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen: Honey, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

[OneBun]

Psychology Humor:

This one is hanging on my wall at work:

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear."

[Cyber Girl]

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles. One was
already occupied so I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my
trousers and sat down.

Suddenly, a voice came from the cubicle next to me:

"Hello mate, how you doing?"
I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied
"Yeah, not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again
"So, what you up to mate?"
Again I answered, although somewhat reluctantly - unsure what to say, I
replied
"Umm, just having a quick poo... How about yourself?"
I then heard the voice for the third time .....
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some <<deleted>> in the
loo next to me answering everything I say."

[rosiemay05]

lol psychology humour very funny,
cyber girl i heard yours before but it never fails to make me laugh because it can happen to anyone of us lol, although i avoid using the phone when im on the loo lol

[Cyber Girl]

>which Would U Choose? Cake Or Bed?????
>
>a Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,
>
>"honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been Flickering For
>weeks Now"
>
>he Looks At Her And Says Angrily;
>
>"fix The Light, Now? Does It Look Like I Have An Electricians Logo Printed
>on My Forehead? I Don't Think So!"
>
>the Wife Asks,
>
>"well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door? It Won't Close Right."
>
>to Which He Replied,
>
>"fix The Fridge Door? Does It Look Like I Have Hotpoint Written On My
>forehead? I Don't Think So."
>
>fine, She Says,
>
>"then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door, They're About To
>break."
>
>"i'm Not A Damn Carpenter And I Don't Want To Fix The Steps", He Says.
>"does It Look Like I Have Woodies Diy Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think
>so. I've Had Enough Of You. I'm Going To The Bar!!! "
>
>so He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours. He Starts To Feel
>guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home And Help Out.
>as He Walks Into The House He Notices The Steps Are Already Fixed. As He
>enters The House, He Sees The Hall Light Is Working. As He Goes To Get A
>beer, He Notices The Fridge Door Is Fixed.
>
>"honey", He Asks, "how'd All This Get Fixed?"
>
>she Said,
>
>"well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried.just Then A Nice Young Man
>asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him. He Offered To Do All The Repairs,
>and All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake."
>
>he Said,
>
>"so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake Him?"
>
>she Replied,
>
>"hellooooo.......do You See Delia Smith Written On My Forehead? I Don't
>think So!"

[rosiemay05]

good one lol