Jokes

[OneBun]

Her's one for the holidays (from a REAL psycho ):

[GTgirl]

I got one made by my friend Grace.

There was this boy who had trouble with Question 3 in his homework. He decides to ask his mother to help him. "What is the answer to Question 3?"he asks. "Go away!" was the reply. Then he goes to his brother and asks the same question. He replies, "Yes, yes yes!" Then he goes and asks his sister. She was on the potty. The boy asks the smae question. His Sister replied, "Toilet paper, toilet paper!" And then he goes to his little brother and he asks the same question. "Batman!" his Brother replied. Then he goes to his little sister and asks the question. "Hello Kitty!" She replied. The boy went to his grandfather and asks the same question. His Grandfather said, "74! Hit them hard!" So he decides to jot it all down.

The next morning, he was asked to say the answer to Question 3. "Go away!" he said. "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" His teacher asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" he said. Then he got sent to the principal's office. "Do you know waht the school is made of?" The principal asked. "Toilet paper, toilet paper!" he replied. "Do you know who you are?" "Batman!" "Do you know who I am?" "Hello Kitty!" "Do you want spankings?" "74, hit them hard!

The End

[Eternal Becky]

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

One day an employee sends a letter to her boss asking for an increase in her salary !!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :

Dear Marian

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet .

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

[EscapeGirl]

LOL!! I like that Wolfie....Makes me want to try it with my boss!

Now here's one from somebunny in my family... (Sort of...)

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 683 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I killed a mouse and dropped it at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I
was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe ....

... for now...

[Hitman]

Jokes? hmmmm oh wait a minute, I got one, I got one....
---------------------
Once upon a time there were 3 old ladies (Hilda,Sylvia and Norma) and they suffered from an old unknow syndrom that made them forget everything
so...one day Hilda and Sylvia decided to visit Norma...
They finaly got there and started chatting...in the middle of the conversation Norma got up and boiled coffe for them,they drank it and continued chatting...but Norma forgot she made coffee and served them again with coffe...Finaly it was late and Hilda and Sylvia decided it was time to go...
On the way home they started talking:

Hilda: How rude of her! She didn't serve us coffee...
Sylvia: Huh...What do you mean?... We were somewhere?!

LOL

[Heartofthedark]

okay i got one
---------------------------------
One day bob walked outside and looked in his mailbox his neighbour is outside washing his car he looks over and sees that bob has an angry look on his face he slammed his mailbox and stomped back inside
2 minutes later bob walks outside and looks in his mailbox he slams it shut again and stomps back inside
1 minute later bob walks ouside and looks in his mailbox again he slams it shut once more and stomps back inside
3 minutes later he stomps back outside with a look of rage on his face he looks in his mail box and slams it shut and has a fit his neighbour goes over to him and asks whats wrong bob replies "i think my computer is broken it keeps telling me i have mail!"

[Darknight]

heres a short one

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope!

[bige92]

here is a funny 1


Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[Fraggle returns]

Shakespear walks into a bar and the bartender says "get out ya bard"

[invincible]

i have got one
---------------------------------------------

there was this boy who was in a class and the teacher said "what are the first 4 letters of the alphabet" he replied "i dont know miss" and the teacher said "well you best learn them by tommorow."
so he went home and asked his sister "what is the first letter of the alphabet?" "shut up" she said and so he went downstairs and his dad was playing darts and the boy said "what is the second letter of the alphabet?"
"180" and so he went to his mom and she was watching telly and he said "whats the third letter of the alphabet?" "lalalalalalalalalalalala" and so he went up stairs to his little brother and said "what is the fourth letter of the alphabet?" "in my little mini car"
so the boy went to school the next day and the teacher said "whats the first letter of the alphabet?" "shut up" "how many detensions do you want?" "180" "go to the-" "lalalalalalalalalalalala" "how you gunna get yourseelf out of this one then" "in my little mini car in my little mini car

[__scar-me__]

I saw a snail driving a car with an "S" painted on the side of it.. All I could think of is "Wow, look at that S-car go!"

[OneBun]

LOL I just found this one...

Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone is looney:
**************************************************

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
A few beers short of a six pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart
than most.

...

[cheryl21]

<<deleted>>

Just A Wee bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."
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Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lots a hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of pie!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila
================================================== =======

[fishyfishy]

A man walks in to a pub, slides on some poo and hits his head on the bar stool then orders a larger, then another man walks in to the pub slides on some poo and hits his head on the bar stool then orders a larger, then the first man says 'i just did that' and the second man hits him in the face.

[cheryl21]

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