Jokes

[Stickman220]

thx bread

Finally an answer to the question..

Once upon a time all dogs were invited to a party. When they arrived at the party they were required to leave their butts at the door. All the dogs hung them on hooks by the door.

The party went on and the dogs were having a great time. All of a sudden a fire broke out. The dogs raced to the door and grabbed whichever butt they could grab first.

In an effort to find their own butt. That is why, to this very day, dogs sniff each other's butts!!!!
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1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[EscapeGirl]

I don't know where you get these things, but they are very funny!!!

[Stickman220]

escape check post 169 there is a link there

[EscapeGirl]

Ah...ok....thanks!!

[Maniac]

so one day,i was going and then,it started raining, so i took out my umbrella..

[Eternal Becky]

the most simple games on the planet:

Stickman, I have merged your Easy Games thread with the Jokes Thread as the links you gave we not real games

[clickclick]

Mmm guess my second joke was inappropiate aswell, seen a few other jokes (genitals and such included) here that are really inappropiate but he that's okay if you didn't notice them.
Mine was just about spelling haha.

Just in case ...I deleted my last joke.

[lili]

clickclick, Nooo I've missed your jokes!! Do you think of any others??

[Maniac]

A guy goes to a comedy club he's never been to before. He has a drink and since it's open mike night he's not surprised when somebody steps up out of the audience and clears his throat. "Number 225," says the fellow and everybody just doubles over. Then he follows up with another couple of numbers and those elicit howls as well. After he sits down another man steps up to the microphone and does the same thing, getting big laughs from 124, 43, and 509.

Finally he can take it no longer and he asks a guy sitting at a nearby table who has laughed throughout, "What the heck is going on?!? They aren't telling jokes, they're just spitting out numbers!"

"We've heard every joke in the book in this place and we know 'em all by heart. Years ago we numbered them and just tell the numbers now instead of the jokes."

Just then they see another fellow step up on stage and yell out, "54," but this time nobody laughed. The first man looked quizzically at his previously laughing companion who replied, "It was how he told it
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Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

One millionth of a mouthwash: One microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: One bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: One billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at one nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: One lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: One Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: One semicolon

1000 aches: One kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: One hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: One pound cake

One million microphones: One megaphone

One million bicycles: Two megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: Two kilomockingbirds (work on it...)

10 cards: One decacards

One kilogram of falling figs: One Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: One literhosen

One millionth of a fish: One microfiche

One trillion pins: One terrapin

10 rations: One decoration

100 rations: One C-ration

Two monograms: One diagram

Eight nickels: Two paradigms

Three statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: One I.V. League
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Homework Excuses
Last night I got temporary amnesia and I totally forgot!
My older sister couldn't find her same homework from last year.
The dog did it for me, but it was in his language.
The paper airplane I made out of it accidentally flew out the window.
I fell asleep on it and when I woke up all my drool smudged all the ink.
It is here it's just in invisible ink!
Satan told me not to do it!
I'm at school?!?!? I thought this was an AA meeting.
My dad's pen ran out of ink.
My Mom ate my homework!

[Hollandgirl]

Haha good ones Maniac!

[Maniac]

lol thanks.....

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for days until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.

They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"



God chuckled, "Jesus saves"
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When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.

When smoking a fish, never inhale.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
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He hasn't one redeeming vice.
- Oscar Wilde
Synonym: the word you use when you can't spell the right word, and therefore can't find it in the dictionary.
Law of Computer Programming: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never let anything mechanical know you're in a hurry.
God even created Atheists.
Conscience: the only thing that hurts when everything else feels good.
If what you want is what you need, there is probably something wrong with your standards.
It is always brave to say what everyone is thinking.
Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.
A person always has two reasons for doing anything -- a good reason and the real reason.
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
If you explain so clearly, so that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called to
act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
- Oscar Wilde
Being in debt is one way of proving you can have less than nothing.
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it is very funny
-- did you ever try getting them without money? - Ogden Nash
Music is the only language in which you can't say a mean or sarcastic thing.
Who says I'm paranoid? Why do they want to know?
Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean you aren't being followed.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing better to do.
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there is nothing to compare it with.
A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.
If it is a miracle, any sort of evidence will answer. If it is a fact, proof is necessary.
To escape criticism: do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
- Elbert Hubbard
Remember, when you point a finger, three fingers are pointing at you.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde
A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.
Freedom defined is freedom denied.
Why not?
We are never deceived, we deceive ourselves.
- Johann von Goethe
It is generally agreed that "hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "goodbye" it could confuse a lot of people.
- Dolph Sharp
Happiness is never stopping to think if you are.
- Paul Sondreal
When a finger points at the moon, the imbecile looks at the finger.
Why did the Bellatrixian Sub-Mega chicken cross the hyperspacial bypass?
Who cares?
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Put on your seatbelt....I wanna try something.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination.
Smith & Wesson: the original point and click interface.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Why do psychics have to ask your name?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Vacuums are nothing. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
When planets run around and around in circles we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why do you need a license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under seats in airplanes rather than parachutes?
How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 never closes, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle travelling at the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why is it that when you transport something in a car it is called a shipment, but when you transport something in a ship it is called cargo?
You know that indestructible little black box they use on planes,
why don't the make the plane out of the same substance?
If you are walking on thin ice, you might as well dance.
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk into another dimension.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately. Very abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas. I just think about it.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
I went to a general store but they wouldn't sell me anything specific.
- Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that sells "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
- Steven Wright
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and......oooohhhh, that's much better!
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
- Charles Schultz
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
What is a "free gift"? Aren't all gifts free?
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness? as the new industry standard.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
That's not funny!
I got a dog and named it "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!" After a while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
- Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.
- Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.
- Steven Wright
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?

[mister mr]

a man walks into a bar- ouch!
doctor doctor, i think im turining nto a spy! ok, but where are you?
I was having a non school uniform day at school and it started raining. why it started raning? because i was wearing a summer shirt!

[Jess]

NO all off his jokes i am rofling really badly

[Maniac]

lol,thanks.

[Jess]

Your welcome the one about the dog was the best, but I was supposed to be doing school so when i started rofling...